You’ve probably heard some version of the phrase “we become what we think.” I’ve heard it for years in different variations probably all starting with watching “The Law of Attraction” when I was 16. It wasn’t until last week that I was reading Self-Coaching 101 that I fully understood the meaning.
First the book shows you HOW your thoughts lead to results, and then it gives you a step-by-step guide to changing your results by changing your thoughts.
It looks like this.
A circumstance can be anything really. You stub your toe. Your boss tells you you’re getting a raise. A homeless person spits on you. You see a bird. Your wife is late for your birthday dinner. Etc.
Let’s stay with the last one as an example. Your wife is late for your birthday dinner.
Next, we have a thought associated with the circumstance. Once you realize that your wife is late for your birthday dinner, you might think something like “She forgot about my birthday. She never used to forget my birthday. She doesn’t love me as much as she used to, and we aren’t as close as we used to be.”
Next is the feeling associated with that thought. Now first realize what just happened. Your wife being late didn’t MAKE YOU feel anything. First you had a thought about your wife being late, and that is what will make you feel something. People cannot make us feel anything. Period.
Now let’s assume that hose thoughts make you feel scared, sad, and a little angry even.
You say “Fuck it, I’m over this birthday dinner.” When she does come home, you’ve already withdrawn. You’re passive aggressive with her and a little rude. Even though she says “I’m so sorry baby my boss brought me into a long meeting just as I was about to leave, and I couldn’t’ even call to tell you I’d be late” you stay upset because you’d already made up your mind.
She get’s upset because she has no idea where the attitude is coming from, and after 30 minutes of you being rude and withdrawn she storms off into another part of the house.
Notice how this result only confirms your original thoughts.
Now that I’ve given you that framework, I’ll show you exactly how you can change your results by first replacing your negative thought by a positive thought you believe. I suggest writing these down. Here we go:
Your wife is late for your birthday dinner.
This is where the work is done, and it all starts with awareness. This is the moment where we do have a choice. We don’t have to believe the first thought that comes to our minds. It’s just a thought. The problem is that most of us are so unaware, that we think we are our thoughts. First, take a deep breath and realize you are not your thoughts. You have the ability to focus on whatever thoughts you want.
So create a positive thought that you can believe.
“I’m sure she just got caught up in a meeting and is very excited to celebrate my birthday with me.”
If this still doesn’t quite fit well, keep trying on different thoughts until you find one that you believe, and has no negativity tied to it.
Watch how this changes the end result.
Joy, Love, and excitement to hang out with your woman.
When she walks in the door you throw your arms around her and say how good it is to see her.
She tells you “I’m so sorry baby my boss brought me into a long meeting just as I was about to leave, and I couldn’t’ even call to tell you I’d be late.” You say “No problem that’s what I figured!” (Notice how this confirms your original thought)
You have a great meal, drink some wine, and then have hot-sweaty-passionate sex with your wife.
Again, it all starts with the awareness of the fact that we are not our thoughts. I highly recommend writing a few of these down. It will help you do it in your head later.