Recently I learned about a concept called “The Choice Moment” from the book “Conscious Loving” by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.
The choice moment is that moment when we can either be completely honest with our partners (or friend, or family member), or we can hide part or all of the truth. There are moments like this every single day, and how we deal with these moments determines whether we are consciously or unconsciously loving our partners. Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean:
When we were in New Orleans the other day, I suddenly became very insecure about something Adee did. The choice moment here is the moment when I can choose to tell her the full truth about what I was feeling, part of the truth, or nothing at all and pretend like it didn’t happen.
I chose to pretend like it didn’t affect me partly because I was embarrassed for being insecure about it in the first place and partly because it was a small “revenge” to hide it from her.
So I withheld the information, and then I withdrew. I was suddenly a little more distant from her. About 60 seconds later she is saying something and I casually say she sounds arrogant, which was complete bullshit. We had about 15 seconds of messy, awkward back-and-forth before I made the choice to be honest.
After I told her the full truth of what I was feeling and the stories I was telling myself in my head, we were able to work through it. Over the course of the next 10 minutes we talked about ways that both of us could be better in the future in that situation. She was grateful to me for being honest, and I was to her for seeing and understanding my side.
In the past I might have held that in for hours (usually my limit) before bringing it up or having it come out sideways. Instead I corrected myself within 5 minutes and we became closer because of it.
These moments are fewer and further between the more we practice, but every time something does come up, it’s always uncomfortable. That’s ok. Once you commit to doing the uncomfortable things to love consciously “true intimacy begins.”
I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s full of useful info from their research (they are have Ph.D’s in psychology) as well as clinical experience. It is literally a playbook of how to have a closer, happier relationship which sounds like a good thing to have.